Joe and Justina

July 20th at 11:30 am… Venice time.

We’ve signed up with Wedding in Rome and have started down the road which involves money, specifically nonrefundable money, so it’s real now. Somehow getting the rings doesn’t quite have the impact as beginning payment for the actual event.

I’ve bought the dress as well. On line. The part of me that’s heavily influenced by my mother feels that this is somehow wrong, but I really liked this one. After a bit of online shopping, I decided that most dresses looked exactly the same and were not what I wanted. This one surprised me. I never expected to want a white dress, but hey… I guess I’ve been programed. Hell, I wasn’t even expecting to get a new dress. Had you asked me at the beginning of this process what I’d be wearing I’d have said, “Oh probably one of the dresses I already have.” And yet…

The issue of cost has come up with me alot through this whole process. Another reason I didn’t want a diamond was the cost. After deciding on a new gown for the ceremony, I insisted I didn’t want to spend more than $300 on the dress and yet I went over that. Joe keeps reminding me that this is our wedding and that I needn’t be quite so penny pinching, especially if it means I deny myself things that will make me happy.

As difficult as it’s been to keep all this a secret, it’s so much fun going through my days with this in the back of my mind. One of my co-workers got engaged this week and I feel a kindred delight for her. I’m looking forward to announcing our marriage after the fact. It’s so lovely this secret between Joe and I; it’s really about us and what we want. As it should be.

So we will be getting married in July. In Italy. Venice specifically.

Right now, we’re leaning towards going with this group for organizational and planning purposes. Getting married in another country requires a bit of paperwork.

Is this really happening?!

Here are some reviews of local jewelers that we went to in our search for wedding rings.

Freedman Jewelers: Really didn’t like these guys. They were pushy and didn’t seem to listen. When I said I wanted sapphires instead of diamonds the lady helping us told me that it would look boring and that I needed diamonds. End of argument. We actually signed up for their mailing list because we were so blind-sided by their pushiness that we couldn’t form the word no. Their selection wasn’t anything unusual. Funny how so many jewelers seem to have the exact same stock.

DePrisco: A little better. They had some beautiful rings that were quite distinctive. I got the impression that the woman helping us wasn’t taking us seriously; perhaps we didn’t seem “money” enough. In the middle of our looking at rings she left to go chat with another customer, leading one of the other employees to apologize profusely for her behavior.

Serge’s: Nice people. A small, unassuming store (especially after the gilt wood and marble of DePrisco’s). They had one ring that just blew my mind; it was a lovely sapphire and diamond “stackable” ring that was actually interesting looking. That was the ring that made me think I could be okay with having diamonds. I’ve had that ring in the back of my mind ever since and haven’t seen anything else like it.

Baak Gallery: A shop I stopped into because they sold Canadia diamonds (annoying music on index page). The woman who owns the gallery was a war photographer and won’t sell any other kind of diamond. They had lovely jewelry and there was a room where you could drink tea and browse through catalogues of rings.

By this point in the search, I was getting rather tired of the whole process. So, I decided to go back to…

Hefez & Sons Jewelers. (They don’t have a website, as far as I know, but you can find some reviews and ads here.)

Hefez & Sons was actually the first store we walked into, and it was purely by chance. We’d decided to go to the top floor and work our way down. Regardless of how we found them, they were the sweetest and most helpful of people we encountered. Daniele listened to what we wanted and took the time to talk with us and explain options, benefits to certain designs, drawbacks to others, etc. She was also the only person to actually measure our ring sizes. No other store did that simple and basic step.

While we were there a woman came in to look at diamond bands to go with her engagement ring. Rather than trying to milk her for as much cash as possible, they recommended that she get a ring with smaller diamonds because “it shouldn’t detract from the diamond you have.” That struck me as being quite professional of them.

I went back a second time, after more research, and they welcomed me back, offered me some tea and listened to my concerns. Rather than scoffing at my not wanting diamonds, they immediately began showing me sapphires and suggested lab created ones, which they also showed me. We’ll be going in tomorrow to put a down payment on the rings.

I’m a liberal girl. I also have a healthy dose of white guilt. There’s no way for me as an American to be completely sure that I’ve removed all sources of cruelty to others, short of going completely off the grid and becoming mountain man self sufficient. But I do what I can.

I’ve known for several years that I didn’t want a diamond. The whole industry just strikes me as too shadowy to be trusted (*cough*DeBeers*cough*) Add this this the whole issue of blood diamonds and the decision was final.

But… when the issue of rings came up, I found that my determination wavered. Where initially I insisted that I only wanted the simplest of wedding bands, I found myself being drawn to the idea of an eternity band. Then when I realized that wearing precious gems everyday might not be a good idea, especially considering how I use my hands, I now found myself wanting two rings (wedding band and something sparkly).

So I began to do some research.

I spent way too much time reading Diamond Talk forums, which almost lulled me into thinking that I could have a diamond without guilt*. After all, it’s only about 4-5% of the diamond supply that is actually from war zones. But even so, I just couldn’t condone it.

I suggested to my fiance that we get a synthetic diamond or a look-a-like, thinking the lower cost and simplicity of the suggestion would be appealing. But he said no. He had a variety of arguments that I’m not going to paraphrase, but basically it came out to his belief that I’m worth much more than cubic zirconia. Aww… :)

I began investigating Canadian diamonds (warning: annoying music with index page). Cruelty-free, environmentally conscious mining techniques, sparkly stones… sounds great! But… more expensive.

The whole “two month’s salary” idea is absolute bunk. I refuse to have that much spent on me. So there went the idea of Canadian diamonds. Having ideals is great, but only if you can afford them.

So I thought about sapphires. Less cruelty, but by now I was thoroughly disenchanted with the whole gem mining industry; even at its best it can be distasteful.

At the end of all this fretting, I’ve decided on lab-created sapphires. They’re made in a lab, not pulled from the earth by underpaid laborers; that’s the only difference between lab-made and “natural” sapphires. A compromise both I and my fiance can live with.

As for the rest of the ring… I’m not even going to begin researching platinum. A girl’s gotta draw the line somewhere.

*If you have a diamond ring, more power to you. I often wonder if all this fretting has done me any good whatsoever, especially considering how many other ways I could be doing more to help those in need. It’s also been argued that if people stopped buying diamonds the economies in several African countries would collapse, leading to strife seen in other countries. It’s one of those situations with no easy answer. I did my research and am now happy with the result. You can do your own research and decide for yourself. I just hope more people will think about diamonds beyond the advertising.

You could start with these books.

Some other websites:

On DeBeers
Wired article on man-made diamonds
National Geographic on diamonds
Common Dreams on conflict diamonds

My boyfriend and I are eloping.

We are trying to keep this a secret, but since it requires such preparation and I’ll want to remember this time in the future I’m starting this “secret” journal.

“Why not just keep a diary?”
Because I think our friends will want to know what went on after the news is out.

Also, since we’re trying something unusual what we learn might be useful for others.